Life is like a Twilight Saga!

So life really is like a Twilight Saga! Team Jacob or Team Edward seems to be all the talk these days!! Even if your reading this and are a hater... I hope that you still can connect with what I'm getting ready to share. As I was pondering on the events that have surrounded my life in the past few weeks, I started comparing it to the Cullens! WARNING: If you don't know what happens then dont read ahead. I don't want to ruin it for you.Now please don't misunderstand any of this. I do by NO means think any of this is true as far as vampires and werewolves. Just an analogy!!! So anyway....there has been a lot on my mind lately. Do you ever wish your mind could just rest or stop thinking for awhile. Us girls minds are always racing,anal zing and just worrying. Well at least mine does. Ive been trying to enjoy my summer and time off from everything, But with quiet time, comes analyzing. I seem to be standing still watching family and friends walking by towards a goal, new destination, dreams.....I love getting to be apart of these adventures and watching God work through them. But it has made me feel like I'm missing something. Like maybe I forgot to buy a ticket to get on this journey everyone seems to be heading to. I have also through several circumstances have felt tired and no more energy to be fake. I hate knowing that when I have a conversation with certain people I know its going to be fake. What do I say? How do I make this relationship work? Do I even want to make it work. I have been without a church for several months now and am trying to really figure out what and where God wants me to be. Its like when Edward and his family try being humans and fit in a world that is totally against their every grain. They are not human..no matter how hard they try to be. They each have a talent and gift that can be used for the good. Who wouldn't want to be like Alice and see what was next and how to prepare for it. Or Jasper and make the atmosphere always calm and positive. I personally would LOVE to have the gift!!! Lately it seems like Im surrounded by such negative beings!!!! Don't you hate the way it makes you feel. Its like it tears through the core of my being. Even when I was little my dad wrote in a letter he had put in my baby book that I was the most tender hearted. I just don't know if I wear my heart on my sleeve too much and need to put a case around it so it will repel what comes to me......or if I just can't stand negative atmosphere. In some ways I wish I could be like Bella where I don't let many people close to me or in near enough to hear my thoughts or feelings. But that really isn't me. Maybe Im just made to share and experience hurt when I do. Even tonight when being excited about some worship through music.....it was crushed by people I had invested time and cared a lot about. I know that if I knew from the core of my being that I was made for worship with God......I would run from Church as far as I could. I wish as Bella learns that I could shield myself from hurt and others around me. Or to have one of their vehicles that never get pulled over by cops...and Im sure their expiration dates on their license and tag NEVER expire. But the biggest thing Ive realized is that I do possess a power that is so much greater than I could ever imagine. When Jesus shed His blood and died on the cross and I chose to accept that gift....then the same power that rose Him from the grave is in me. THEN why don't I know how to use it? Im on a hunt to try and tap into it. Im tired of standing still!!! I don't want others to feel as I have felt even tonight...hurt and not apart of something. I miss being apart of a worship group and crave it everyday. Why should we be criticized following Gods directions...even when it looks different than anyone has seen. So I don't belong on this earth....its just a temporary place. BUT while Im here I want to use and know all the gifts and power God has put in me. I hope I find it. By the way....Im Team Jacob!!!
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Generation Cooking

Tuesday evening I went to my Mom's house for some cooking lessons. Its not that I can't cook, but I need specific directions and recipes. Mom started helping Kendra learn to cook and gain more knowledge on different dishes to make. So now that school is over, Im joining the fun cooking class. Mom had all the ingredients ready and let us do the work. I had a blast. We made chicken casserole, green beans, rolls, and apple pies. Needless to say I was stuffed after we ate. Mom is copying all the recipes we use and I am putting it into a book to have. The experience reminded me of being with my grandmother Dolly when we would get to spend the night once a year and she would let us help make biscuits for breakfast. A lot of my memories of her are in the kitchen. She was a home ec teacher and loved to cook. She would get things from her garden and would always have us something for a snack when we came over to visit. I loved getting to go to the garden to pick the strawberries. I loved getting to go to her classroom and watch her direct her students into making the perfect zucchini bread or sewing aprons. Nanny passed away when I was 7 but I still remember those cooking moments. Being at moms the other night reminded me of generational gifts, talents, and things we pass down to the next generation. Now I may have gotten my love for teaching from my grandmother and not the skills in cooking or sewing, but I also was reminded that I have received patience and love for helping others like my nanny and mom.

There are positive and negative generational traits. Ive been doing a study and right now we are learning how generational sin is passed down and how for ourselves to be the ones who break the cycle. Fear has come up for me that I have somehow been passed down with. Not sure which side and where it stems from yet. I had to write down positives and negatives from both sides of my grandparents and parents. Hating confrontation is a big one. But Im still searching for others that somehow maybe I can be the one to break the cycle. Its these generational sins that we sometimes think as normal way of living because its been apart of life for generations. I hope this summer not only consumes me with fun memories and making new ones, but to start the cycle of breaking free.

Being A Part of Something

This past week I went to Charlotte to visit the band and youth at LBBC during Mission Serve. It was a great week of visiting and rest. The band played every night and micheal ramsey spoke. I loved the whole visit. Late night food quest, sleeping in, visiting the sites and sending encouragement to the youth on top of the roof, and listening to the awesome music. But I would have to say my favorite part was feeling some how a part of the band. For those of you that know me well know how much music is so a part of me and what big fan I am of the band. I got to help break down and load up, run the easy worship system, and just being in the crowd feeling so proud and loving every bit of it. I have joked forever that I want to be their PR person, sealing their merchandise. I think they probably think Im joking....but I LOVE being a part of something I feel so passionate about. Who doesn't? Is there a Dream you have had for awhile and really feel like it will happen....but when? This summer I hope that my Dreams start coming true. One thing that I learned this week was...the everyday small decisions and goals help lead up to those big dreams. So Im on a journey for the everyday choices that will hopefully lead to the Big Picture. Im a big picture person and so many times I focus only on that. I forget that there are many decisions and things to do in the small details that get to the Big Picture. So I hope that you are able to start looking at your Dreams and making the small details count to get you there. Because being a part of something is crucial for life. Here is a secret.....being a part of the band is one of my dreams!!! I can't help it! :) HAHA

When my heart beats the most!

Aunt B is probably my favorite nickname. Ive had plenty and each one represents people or the places that I acquired it. Breezer(band members of my favorite band..Andrew Brown Band), BreezeO(from the bag boys while I worked at Ingles), Brez(close friends)..and the list goes on. But my all time favorite is Aunt B. Those words come from the most precious boys in the whole wide world. My NEPHEWS!!! If you are an Aunt you completely understand. I never knew how much love could be possible and come from my heart. It beats the most when I am around these little guys. Lathan was my first nephew. I remember the first time I saw him. I cried my eyes out. I couldn't believe how beautiful he was and how long I had been waiting for him. We connected the first time I held him. I told him that I was Aunt B and would give him anything he wanted. The privilege of being an Aunt is the best gift ever. When Lathan was only a few weeks old, I was holding him and he raised his head up(which I knew he was going to be a strong genius of a boy) and planted a hug kiss on my cheek. My mom got a picture of this huge event and I will always cherish that picture. Three years later Kasen was born. I was scared that I wouldn't have enough love to give to Kasen as I had Lathan. Boy was I wrong. The two are very different but I love them both sooooo much. Kasen takes awhile to warm back up with you each time I see him, but he is the funniest kid I know. He has a great sense of humor and loves to wrestle. He makes me feel special when he wants to spend time with me and says my name. The best gift given to me to give the boys was a bib that said ( I love Aunt Breeze)!! Two years later Maddox was born. Again I was scared that there would not be enough love to give. My heart burst out with love when he was born. He had a hard journey getting here but he overflows my heart with his cuddliness!! He is such a cuddlier and his smile will melt your heart. I have had the privilege of getting to keep him several times at an early age. I didn't know I could be that responsible to watch something so precious.

What Ive learned the most with these 3 wonderful nephews is....LOVE is ever flowing!!! That they are each so different but has the same strings wrapped around my heart equally. Lathan has got to spend the night at my house several times and Kasen will be joining our adventures this summer. I can't wait till all 3 will be begging to be at Aunt B's house. Junk food, games, toys, and always a trip to walmart will be for sure in our plans. These little guys make me feel so special and that I could do anything. I love them so much and realize that when they are around, my heart beats the most. God feels that way with each one of us. That even though we are all so different, He wants to spend time with each of us and create dreams and adventures. I want my heart to beat most of all when I am in the presence of my Creator. To feel special and to know I was created for a purpose that I can only fulfil. I hope this summer gives clues and directions of how to gain that. This summer will be full of adventures with my nephews, friends, and in my times alone with my creator and friend. I can hear the beats getting faster just thinking about it!

In search of?

When I was in Kindergarten we took a field trip to the local library in Murphy. I was super excited because even then...I loved books. Two friends and I had to go to the bathroom. So we told our teacher and went. Like most little kids, we took our times and played a little while. As a teacher now, I can't for the life of me figure out the reason why kids want to spend so much time in there. Its gross and full of germs. When we left the bathroom and went in search of our teachers and classmates, none was to be found. So my Kindergarten mind new we needed help. I didn't panic like my two friends because my dad worked at the Murphy's Power Board which was right across the library. All I needed was the librarians to believe me and let me guide my two friends over there and let my dad take care of it. While they were calling the school, the bus pulled up to get us. Thanks to my twin sister, they figured out that we were missing and not on the bus. I always think about that story when I take my students on field trips. Im always counting. How many times have we missed something and went in search of it. Sometimes it takes us awhile to even know we are missing something. While in college I went to go get my purse out of the car and realized it was not there. When backtracking in my mind where I had it last...I realized 3 days ago at school. I went in panic mode and after hours of frantic phone calls..I found it. Do you ever just go throughout your daily routines and life and one day...it hits you in the face that you are missing something. In my reflection of what this summer might hold...Ive realized that maybe this is the summer that I actually figure out what Im searching for. That I will know more pieces of the puzzle of my life. I listened to one of my friends give their graduation speech today and I loved the part that said that we stop expecting..and start experiencing. I hope to allow God to really show me what dreams He has for my life! I think I know what I want...but do I really? I hope to find what God has for me way before Im left in wondering if Ive missed out or didn't go in search of what was out there for me.

Just try it!!

How many times Ive heard someone tell me that!! Just try it! I know you will like it!! Most of my friends know that Im not the best person in trying new things when it comes to food. I don't like seafood and lots of other things. On trips and trying out new restaurants...most of them could order for me...Beef or Chicken! There is this bean dip that my friend Diana made and it looked disgusting to be honest. I would have never put those things together to eat. I tried it so as not to be rude and guess what...I loved it. I think between food and exercise...I would try new things especially knowing it was good for me. I always feel better after walking or doing something active but to get out and actually doing it..you would think I was having to eat squid!! I feel the same when spending time with God through the word sometimes. If we are all honest with ourselves, we would all admit that it takes effort in carving out time in our day for God. Im in this major transition time right now when it comes to church and really figuring out what God wants me to be doing. I know that I need to read more of His word so as to see Gods plan a little clearer and to listen to Him speak my dreams out so that I can actually live them. It dawned on me last night during a bible study that I have always wanted to write a book, speak, and share with others that God wants for them to dream and allow God to fulfill them completely...but Have I gotten that concept myself? Maybe thats what this whole empty planned summer is going to be for. Writing, experiencing God at work...so I can live my dreams!!!! So maybe Ill try something new...who knows I might like it!!!

Feeling smart until I opened my mouth!

There are too many accounts of what I was thinking in my head(which sounded smart and understandable to me) didn't come out right when I opened my mouth to speak. Usually it was the wording. For some reason my words tend to smash together to make up what my friends have defined...Breezisms! When looking at a cute guy on tv one night I was thinking..Gosh that guy is built and buff. The way is chose to exit my mouth was..gosh that guy is Biff!! What can I say...words just come out wrong. The worse part of this mouth disease, is that it usually takes me a minute to figure out what I did wrong or even said. I need to start carrying around a notebook to collect these words and just make up my own dictionary. Have you ever felt this way when trying to get your point across or to really make a wonderful statement? Stepping back and thinking about it..its just who I am. Breeze wouldn't really exist without these flaws and moments of confusion. In almost every story I can think of that is apart of me, has molded, reshaped, and guided me in who and where I am. I truly believe that God uses moments whether silly or serious to sharpen and guide us. It truly is just apart of my story. I hope that through this journey of sharing with you my stories, that God will remind me of each one and how He has used them in crazy ways. So maybe this isn't such a bad disease to have. That God can take the words that doesn't make sense to most people...speak right to my heart and mind of complete understanding. Maybe this is the conversation that is just meant for Him and myself! Hmmm..interesting.